First Glance

First glance; judgment is passed. Upon meeting; the first words I speak, judgment is passed.  The look on my face, the way I carry myself; judgment is passed. Never really given a chance to show my true being; not being seen for my true value, misjudged. I am more than face value.

In college I was forced to take an elective. I chose woman’s studies. BLAH!!! Even though I wasn’t thrilled about the course I went into it like I do everything else, 100%. I made the most of each assignment, stretched the limits, placing a product on my instructor’s desk that usually left her jaw dropped. She had a preconceived notion about me. She is human, I can’t be mad. “You have a beautiful literary voice,” she said, “Why don’t we hear more of that in class?” Fear.  I mention this course because one particular assignment comes to mind and though I don’t have the paper sitting here in front of me today I still recall it because it had meaning to me and it has stayed with me for over 14 years (plus it was short…lol).

I looked around the classroom. It felt like the eyes of the other students penetrated me. Our desks formed in a circle to encourage full class participation. I am sure no one was looking at me. They were more than likely deep in thought, or processing what the teacher was saying. But all the same it felt like all eyes were on me. What were these people thinking? What were their expectations? Was anything good going through their minds? I rolled the assignment over and over in my head, trying to rap my brain around it; contemplating my approach. Write a paper about the image you portray and how others opinions affect your view of yourself.  For the first time, I looked around the room and looked at the people around me. There were mostly men in my women’s studies class. Why would they sign up for this class? What did they think we would be studying? Did they think we would be analyzing our anatomy for 3 hours a week? Really? Surprise!!!! Women’s studies had to do more with empowering women and seeing our potential as women to rise above by taking a deep look at other women’s accomplishments.

I left the class room that day a little scared to take a real look at myself. It had to be done though, and I had to rise above my fears and take the assignment seriously. I stopped at the store on the way home and bought one of those over-priced flimsy full length mirrors. I set the mirror up at home, in my room where no one else could see.  I tried to view myself through the world’s eyes. I looked frumpy, thrown together. My hair was a mess. I had these thick ugly glasses that took over my face.  I was nerdy, oblivious to the ways of the world; trapped in the confines of my sheltered childhood.  I stripped down to the nude. Twisting and turning and posing at all sorts of odd angles trying to see myself from all points of view. What I was seeing was still only skin level. I couldn’t see my heart, which showed passion and concern and love for others. I had to remind myself I had to see myself the way others do and identify how it affected my feelings and behavior. The assignment was shallow and a frivolous.

I love me. Every out of place hair on my head, the extra jiggle in the tummy, my one crooked tooth, my tiny tits, flat ass, I loved my style of clothing. I loved me for me. I didn’t need the mirror. I don’t need to see myself as others do because I know what is under all of that, deep inside me. I am that girl that will give the shirt off her back, the last penny in her pocket. I have taken in the homeless. I have fed the guy on the corner that sleeps on the bus stop bench. I have provided for the children of needy families. My clothing didn’t make me. My make up or hairstyle didn’t make me. I was composed of strong morals and values that were my driving force. That led me through my path in life. I didn’t care about what other people thought.  I took the mirror and threw it away. I had no use for it. It did not justly reflect who I was. If someone didn’t take the time to see past the outside mess then they didn’t deserve the pureness of my heart. 

I turned in a paper that only said, “This is me. If others opinions held value they wouldn’t be giving them to me for free.  I realized, who I am cannot be seen in a mirror or a photograph. I run deeper. Open your eyes.”  I got an A+.

I know that most of you have never met me. Maybe one day I can share my full story and you can see what has made me evolve into the wonder I am today.  

What made you into the wonder you are today?