No judgment here

I don't watch the news or read the paper...I have mentioned before that I am an extremely sensitive person with big opinions and views... However due to health reasons I try to keep my blood pressure low and not expose myself to stressful heated debates... I was curious to know what the deal was with Westboro "Baptist" church... It is a poor reflection of what we as baptist Christians are... I don't hate anyone... I don't judge others life styles..whether I agree with them or not, if I don't agree I simple live my life differently... We have the freedom of choice... Regardless if you believe or not, I do believe that we all will stand in front of the judgment seat of Christ... our sins will be laid before us, I am no better than anyone, no sin is greater, there isn't a scale of one to ten that determines the severity of your sins... I live my life based upon my moral values... Striving Every day to be the best me I can be, without discrimination, judgment, or prejudice or whatever you want to call it... I love you all equally and each one of you has the potential of doing great things without sacrificing the life of others based upon their lifestyles and beliefs... I embrace the world...

Ambition

Ambition is defined as an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment.

I was born with a lot of ambition. I want to make things bigger and better. I want to beautify the world. I want to spread love and good will to those around me. I may not tackle the world, before I die but I will leave an impression. I wake up in the morning with my goals in mind. I look for the light at the end of the tunnel. I move forward one small step at a time. My footing may not always be stable, but I am moving in the right direction. 

Where is your ambition? What are your goals? Why are you standing still?

This world is going to be left to my son when I am long gone. Please help me make it better. There is too much hate, and crime, and dog eat dog attitude. We are a community, a village, a town, a state, a country. This is our land. Our moment. Our responsibility. Our pride. Do something.

what can i do?

I have a lot of passion for things, for people. It runs deep with in my soul. Things touch my heart in an abnormal way. I cry for others, I feel their pain as if it is my own. I try to control my urge to save people and to make things easier and less painful. I try to treat the wounds, dry the tears, provide shelter. I can't do it all. Though I try. It leaves me feeling inadequate.

My bandaids are too small, my arms not large enough to shelter, my heart is bursting with dispair. There has to be more to life... There has to be an end to the storm.

Hopefully Forever

You raise in me a fire

To be your one desire

Though I try to resist

You continue to insist

And I give into the urges

And this wonderful thing emerges

I had watched from a distance

Waiting for the moment, the instance

When everything would change

And things would go my way

You had done the same

Played a hand in the game

Now here we are together

Hopefully forever.

Read My Lips: The basement door slammed shut behind me as I race...

Read My Lips: The basement door slammed shut behind me as I race...: The basement door slammed shut behind me as I raced down the stairs.  I was mad as hell.  I ran into the confines of my room and threw mys...

The basement door slammed shut behind me as I raced down the stairs.  I was mad as hell.  I ran into the confines of my room and threw myself on the bed.  I absolutely hated it here. I was tired of the screaming and berating.  I had enough of the abuse.  One of these days someone was going to pay for all of the mistreatment I took.

      I wept for a while, taking breaks to punch my mattress and stab holes in my pillow with the knife I had hidden in my dresser drawer. I felt much better after my angry outburst, though a little tired. After I got over my initial anger, I reanalyzed my situation and realized that this was the best thing that could happen to me. Being grounded to my room meant that I didn’t have to do chores or get yelled at. I always try to face the sun.

      I have recently been told that we create our own suffering, by reading into things and analyzing what might be, but I am sure that the coldness I felt alone in my room on those days was real. Aside, from the fact that there was no heater down there, except for during the winter when I was given a small space heater. I would have to put at least ten blankets on my bed just to keep warm at night, and I still dreaded getting between the sheets, because it was like ice cycles. However, that is not the kind of coldness I am referring to. I could be standing in the corner, in the same room as everyone else, where the furnace did heat, and feel the coldness then too. It came from not feeling loved or being one of them.

      I sat in my room that day listening to the laughter of the rest of my family. They were having fun and seemed happy. I don’t recall much fun or happiness when I was around them. It was as if I took away their joy. I knew that everyone’s life would be better if I left. I did leave a couple of times, but they came looking for me a while later. I was given more chores to do. That is probably when they realized I was missing, when I wasn’t there to do the chores. My older sister would sing while she worked and put these kerchiefs on her head when she worked as if she were Cinderella. Wrong fairy tale I guess, because from what I can see right now the way this story is going there will be no happy ending, no Prince Charming, no Happily Ever After.

See? Look at that once again I am ruining things, I am giving away the ending of the story. Where was I? Oh, the laughter in the living room above me… It would make me really sad, but I could tell no one because no one would understand. I was forced to keep it inside myself.

      I hated going to school. I was forced to sit amongst a group of people who were supposedly there for the same reasons I was. I can believe that. I was there because my parents made me go, but the appropriate answer was to learn and grow as a human beings into a well rounded, and respected adult. People made it more difficult, because you got teased if you didn’t come from the right side of town, you had the wrong last name, or your pockets weren’t full enough. That was the same reason I hated going to church. Aside from the fact that I didn’t come from the right side of town, I had the wrong last name, and my pockets were always empty, I also did the unthinkable, I went to Public School. Oh, the shame! Have to tell you though the public school kids were far nicer and more accepting than any of those Christian school brats. Christ must not be very nice, since all of them kids were being “Christ like”.

      I dealt with those places much in the same way as I did with my home life. I observed everyone else’s behaviors, I kept quiet, and I remained cold. I had a few good friends. Some of them I have held onto until this very day. I don’t live near them or talk to them much, but I still feel a closeness to them, maybe deep down they were much like me. I don’t know… I just wanted to be me.

      Well, there was one day I wanted to try to walk in someone else’s shoes. I wanted to know what it felt like to be from the right side of town, have the right name, and a full pocket. I wanted to know what it felt like to have people love me and care about me. I was alone in the locker room and it was really late in the afternoon. I was walking out and there under the bench was a pair of puma’s. I believe they were puma’s. That is if my memory serves me correct. Anyways, who cares right? I walked past them because at first glance I was thinking just that someone forgot to lock up their things. Then at the door, I thought that there was no one around and since they weren’t locked up they were essentially giving permission to anyone to have them. So, I put them in my backpack and went to meet my dad at the front of the school where he was going to be picking me up. I didn’t wear the shoes right away. I gave them a cooling off period of two weeks. Then one sunny day I wore my new shoes out into the world. I wore them to school. Now most people when they think of junior high they think of hundreds of kids and there is no possible way of knowing everyone. Well, I come from a small town where everyone knows everyone and all of their business. The school is comprised of kids from Kindergarten to Seniors and there are less than 500 of us. So, yeah this poor little girl, in her expensive shoes totally stood out.  I was getting compliments from everyone. I knew I was caught but I didn’t care, I was noticed, I was getting a little respect,…shit, I was going to get my ass kicked.  Sooooo, worth it! If the kids didn’t do it, someone at home would anyways, so it didn’t matter.

      After that I just stuck to being me. 

i seem to have writters block lately. funny because i usually have so much to say. maybe i have lost my insperation.